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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

did mama say?

really?
did mama really say there'd be days like THIS??

You might as well grab a glass of wine.
Because that's what I'm going to do, except without the actual libation.

Here's my rant.
(because it REALLY needs a preface)

Macy was incredibly sick last week and I got an award for being number one nurse.
Zach is getting sick.
I woke up sick.
The automatic gate keeps beeping some warning at me and I don't know why, I think it's sick.
I think Steve and my dad fixed it today, so maybe it's well again.

My mom brought me potato soup to help me feel better. (God bless this woman, seriously)
I laid on the couch. all. day.
I watched Bride Wars.
Then, I watched Dear Zachary.

Boo.
Bad movie.
Wanna cry? And be super depressed?
Then you should watch it.
But don't you dare say I recommended it.

We made family dinner.
That was fun.
I cleaned up the mess.
Not fun.

Steve made a fire.
Holy bad expletive expletive our house started smoking.
Not a little, like a lot.
Like, cover your face with your shirt, protect your children, and look crazily at each other with a "whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhat is going on" expression on your face.

While Steve and I try to figure out what's wrong, (not once did we say, hey...should we call 9-1-1?)
Macy dresses Zach up like a girl.
Wish I had been with it enough to take pictures.

We let more smoke in the house.
(I say let, because we kept opening the fire door to "look" and "see" what was the matter.)
We decide to take the screen off of the window.
Yes,  here's our magic plan...to pass the flaming wood through the window into a bucket of water.
My idea.
Not my brightest. Seriously.
I blame it on the Advil Cold and Sinus meds I took.

We get the flaming smokey wood out.
I hear screaming in the bedroom.
Are they on fire too?
Zach has taken a jar of delicious sweet and salty chex mix (my personal fav that I planned on snacking on while watching my beloved "Idol")
and has DUMPED IT OVER MY ENTIRE BED.
(yes the sheets part  because I did NOT make my bed today... remember, I AM SICK)

Sucked it up with the Dyson.
I really love our Dyson.
What did we do before airplane technology in a vacuum?
Yikes.
I still have to change my sheets,
because I am not sleeping on sweet and salty chex.
It's just wrong.

Now, all I want to do is watch American Idol.
But Steve is on the roof.
He's using my pampered chef really expensive skewers to poke through
our cap top of the fireplace because apparently it has a bad case of smokers lungs.
video


While my gallant husband risks his life at 9pm on the roof,
I sit and blog.
He calls me to throw him flashlights and tools.
Sometimes I throw it close.
Other times, not so much.
While I help him,
Zach climbs up on the kitchen counter and starts spraying
the sink faucet sprayer all over.
(Yes my kids are still up because this is like a frickin' 3-ring circus)
That was also lots of fun to clean up.

Do I really need to say things like {insert sarcasm here} or is it just a given at this point?
That's what I thought.

So, I'm pretty tired now.
I think I'm gonna pop some more Advil,
watch me some bad singing...
and dream of sugar plum fairies.
Hopefully in that order.

Mom, I know you said there would be "days like this,"
but is this REALLY what you meant?

i am joni lane, and i couldn't make this stuff up if i tried.

3 comments:

  1. Well, you just made my night just reading about yours....You need a "do-over" button on tonight. Hilarious post on a really bad day. Hope tomorrow goes a LOT smoother.

    ReplyDelete