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Saturday, February 15, 2014

You pick.

I have many working titles for this post and I can't quite decide on one. So I figured I'd offer them all up to you and let you pick your favorite to name this post after you read my story.
I'm certain you will be in the same boat I'm in when you finish reading.
You know you're officially a blog writer when things start happening in your life and immediately you start thinking of what the title will be for your blog post.
I'm not kidding for one second when I tell you that during this 40 minute ordeal I LITERALLY considered all of these blog titles and couldn't decide.  I do think it's what kept me from crawling into a corner and getting into the fetal position to cry, and cry, and cry....I feel totally sorry for myself.
Confession: I do feel totally sorry for myself.
Confession: I want you to feel sorry for me too.
Confession: I'm blogging this because I want you to feel sorry for me, and because I want a record that crap happens to me all the time.  So for those of you who have EVER accused me of "having it all together" (sticks out tongue and blows a raspberry) THIS IS FOR YOU.

Titles to choose from:

1. Happy Valentine's Day?
2. You've got to be Pigging me.
3. Candid Camera 101
4. Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk
5. Next?
6. And then.....and then.....and then......
7. Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...
8. Chicken Run
9. My Life is a Pig Pen
10. I've Lost My Keys and My Mind

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And the story goes like this:

I get home from a very very long week at school.
It's Friday.
It's also Valentine's Day.
Steve and I have opted to have a nice "quiet" night at home because our week has been way way way too busy, and he's bringing home take-out and we have plans to veg out in our jammies and watch a movie.
I have plans as soon as I get home to take some cough medicine, because YES, I'm getting sick again.
This cough won't leave me alone.
It thinks we are BFF's.
News Flash: We aren't.

Moving along....
I drive into the driveway and immediately notice that my dogs are acting like they are on crack.
Upon further driving into the driveway...I take a gander at this:
The "dogs" got into the trash and created a disgusting mess.
They've never done this to our trash before.
This is a first.
A "gift" I imagine.
Quickly I mutter to myself, "Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day."
I scold the dogs and put them in the kennel.
I then fire off a text to Steve detailing how irate I am to come home to this mess and on Valentine's Day no less.  Doesn't life know by now that when it's a holiday "real life" crap isn't supposed to happen?
Someone please inform them. It's critical. During my personal grumble session I instruct the kids to unload the car. (Think overload of trash, clothes, bags etc from the holiday parties at school)
I go unlock the door to the house and tell them what to work on while I go pick up trash.
Handled, right?
Haahahahahaha. ahhaahha. hhhaaaaaaa.
Oh wait, you thought this story was ending and you were getting all disappointed like,
"Hey, Joni...get a grip...it really wasn't that bad.  It could have been waaay worse."
Oh, I know.


As I'm cleaning up the trash strewn allllll over our property, I am suddenly aware that there is some weird stuff happening on our "lawn" area.  My mind plays through the following scenarios:

a) Zach's gotten really good as using his bulldozer/heavy equipment toys.
b) the dogs are double busted as it looks as those they really were on crack and started digging in crazy patterns. They never dig.
c) do gophers do this kinda stuff now?
d) aliens.  we are clearly being invaded by aliens.
I walk to the kids side play yard.
A similar scene unfolds.
What. In. The. H. E. Double. Hockey. Sticks.

Please oh please tell me you are confused at this point too.
Scratching your head a little?
Feeling a little as though you've entered the twilight zone?
Or maybe that you are having a full fever because of your cough and this is the side effect of that fever and you are hallucinating?!
Puzzled, I continue walking around the property because I'm almost certain that this is NOT the work of my dogs.  
Something is not right.
They have never done anything like THIS before.
THIS is different.
And then I see them.
My pigs.
Olive and Bowser.
Happy pigs.
Nosing all over the place.
ROOTING.
Snorting up a storm.
Giddy.  Like dance giddy because they've escaped their pen. 
(which is GIANT by the way)
I don't know if I ever told you about the time that I moved them to their giant field, and I swore I'd never do it again because chasing pigs is just about the most ridiculous thing I've ever done in my entire life?!?!?!?!
Yeah, well take two.
This time I was smarter.
I didn't chase.
It did take every ounce of my patience to guide them back into their "nest."
I then spent the next 15 minutes repairing fence that they had broken (pushed through).
Sigh.
That should be it, right?
Wrong.
As I'm finishing fixing the fence I look over to the chicken coop and notice that they are a little out of sorts too.
The door is wide open.
Really?!?!?!??!??!?!
Can you picture me?
I am one tired, sick, and frustrated girl.
So this is Valentine's Day, huh?
Well you know what I think you can do with your arrow Cupid?
That's right.
Come use it to help hold the door of the coop shut.
What did you think I was going to suggest?
After fixing the coop and watering and feeding the chickens I go back up to finish picking up all the trash.
Zachary has decided to "help."

Instead of using the inside of the bag, he dumped everything on top of the bag.
That was even more fun to clean up.
At least the cat was happy.
Just when I thought the hard part of the day was over, I realize I need to lock my car and I can't find my keys anywhere.  I search the house.
My purse.
I retrace my steps sure I've lost them during my adventures outside.
And lo and behold.
I've just lost my mind.
Not my keys.
But wait! The story doesn't end there!!!
This is what I walked into!
This is how the kids "helped" clean out the car.



Happy Valentine's Day, Joni.
Love, 
Life.





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