Monday, July 7, 2014

hEaD cASe

I had a 3.5 hour doctor appointment today.
You're gonna get 35 things that happened during that appointment.
Most of it was spent waiting.
And waiting.

1. Is it Better Home and Garden, or Better Homes and Gardens?
2. Why do they make me sit on the table if they aren't going to come see me for 45 minutes. My feet are falling asleep.
3. Whoever designed this room was clearly not thinking logically. The magazines are way in the corner by the door, so IF I get off the table to go get one, the Dr. will most likely walk in and bonk me with the door.  Maybe I should mad dash over there and just move them quick.  That would be weird if he caught me doing that though.
4. If I lean a little more to the right I can almost see if it's got an "s" at the end of Home and Garden.
5. My feet are tingly.
6. Ugh, I still have camp feet. They are dirty.  I hope they don't stink.
7. Crap, they kinda stink. I should have put lotion on before I left.
8. Woah, and my legs. Totally should have shaved them. Whoops.  Hope my doctor is old and doesn't feel up my legs.
9. He will probably feel up my legs because that's why I'm here. Shoot.
10.  Why are there three exclamation points after they said Thank You!!! for keeping the door open when you leave.  That doesn't seem very professional to me.  I read it "Thank You, fist bump, high five, low five"
11. Yup, my feet stink. Wait, maybe that's my arm pits. Did I put on deodorant? *sniff* I'm good.
12. Heck yes I'm good, it's like 52 degrees in this room right now.  I pretty much need a way that I'm sweating enough to produce stink.
13. Eyeball the magazine holder again and negotiate the viability of moving it.
14. I should totally pretend like I'm a computer hacker and sit at the desk and pretend to feverishly type away like I'm trying to crack the code to get into my health records.  Will it read "head case?" Will my doctor laugh or throw me out? I'm tempted but seriously not brave enough.
15. Just move the magazine rack already.
16. I should just go sit in the chair.
18. If I go sit in the chair, he's sure to come in.
19. Ohhhh! I hear a door close...I cross my fingers. My turn? Nope. Sucka.
20. Just lay down on the table.  There is a pillow.  I should do it.  That's what he gets for making me wait for so long...I'm gonna droooool on that pillow.
21. I'm bringing my own book next time.
22. *sniff* Armpits still good, hands are sweating now.
23. Sitting criss cross applesauce on the table now, trying to stay warm.  I look like I'm 10.
24. Clean the guck from my fingernails.
25. Contemplate my next nail design.
26. Make fish lips.
27. Hop off the table like a kid stealing a cookie from the counter to check the time on my phone. 4:13.  I've been here since 2pm. Ugh.  Jump back on the table and listen for footsteps. None.
28. Eavesdrop the hallway conversation telling the patient what dosage to take. She doesn't understand.  He tells her more firmly. I hope he's more patient with me if I don't understand.
29.  Young doctor finally walks into the room.  Says I'm the first patient he's ever seen younger than him.  Great.  That makes me feel awesome.
30. He picks up my stinky feet to run a test, I blush, apologize for my stinky camp feet.
31. He squeezes my leg, I blush apologize for not shaving my legs.
32. Serious internal blushing now, Joni...just stop talking. Stop apologizing.  Just stop talking. Let the man listen to your jacked up blood-vein-artery whatever flow he needs.  Just shut up.
33. He explains more tests are needed. Laughter. I'm laughing. Out loud. Like a TOTAL HEAD CASE.
34. Quizzically he stares. More blushing. Here comes an apology. Laughter is what I do when I'm a tad bit over the edge and tired of being told I need more tests.  I laugh.  Because for 9 years I've been doing tests.  I just want my stinkin' leg to feel better. He nods.
35. He shakes my sweaty hand.  I blush. See ya in a few weeks.

i am and I blush a lot.

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